The calendar that my friends and family set up to help me also highlighted that it is really, really, really hard to get what you need, even from people who love you, even when you put it all out there and ask. In words. To their faces.
Which made me wonder – is this real? Is my vision skewed? Am I seeing negative in the positive? Another unending question.
In the end I think the disappointment came from unrealistic expectations – not a failure of love or concern.
You feel shame yourself – they should be concerned with your privacy, with your pride (stigma). You don’t know what to do for yourself most of the time – how are they supposed to? (bafflement).
Like everything else in recovery, asking for help is a process. It’s not a one-off. It’s not all-or-nothing. You ask, you learn, they learn, you ask again, you learn, they learn. You love and you forgive. You hope they forgive you. You learn. You love.
Overall, the idea that my friends and family organized to help me struggle with something they can’t see – it brings me to joyful tears.
It’s not easy, but I’ll keep asking.