The Cozy Beast

Guys, I gotta tell you about the newest technology in night-sweats management.

I have discovered a Hot Water Bottle Solution.

Many antidepressants, including SSRIs (lexapro, prozac, zoloft, etc.) cause night sweats and MAN is this shit annoying. I’m not talking about waking up with a damp hairline because your bedroom is too warm. I’m talking about changing your shirt three times (that’s four shirts!) in a night because you’re drenched and freezing.

First I freaked out. Then I felt extremely downtrodden (nightmares aren’t enough?), then I stopped using a space heater or my hot water bottle. Then I did some googling and my unemployed ass bought 100% cotton tank tops, sheets and shorts. No success.

THEN I thought screw this. I’m going to run straight at it. Real night sweats are not due to overheating. I don’t know what the fuck they’re due to, but it’s not a temperature thing. I wake up freezing because I’m drenched, so why not just fight fire with fire? I now sleep WITH my hot water bottle (the best hot water bottle in America, courtesy of my Aunt Nell in England, a hot water bottle aficionado).

The Best Hot Water Bottle in America

I leave the cozy beast by my feet and when I wake up freezing I just hug it close.

BAM. The Hot Water Bottle Solution.

It heats you up, let’s you go back to sleep, makes you feel like you’ve conquered the SSRI demon.

(Hot water bottles can be hard to find in the US, but they are hidden in many a CVS, on the bottom or very top shelf, folded up into a cardboard box that looks nothing like a hot water bottle. They come without covers, so I recommend plopping them into a pillowcase.)

Remember, kids. We’re behind you.

ps. A note to a terrible psychiatrist: “Thanks, My-First-Psychiatrist-Ever, for telling me, a thirty year old single woman who wants to have kids one day, that my night sweats were probably early menopause. Surely they couldn’t be a common side effect of a drug YOU prescribed! What else could they be? Cancer? A brain-eating parasite???” Lord this disease requires even more patience than it robs from us.

The Incognito Cozy Beast


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